When Expectations Meet Children: Between Parental Fantasy and Emotional Reality

One of my elementary school teachers’ favorite phrases was “Don’t get your hopes up.”

It usually came alongside other well-meaning but dismissive responses, things like “Stop making a big deal out of it” or “You’ll be fine.” Phrases meant to end a conflict quickly, often by brushing aside emotional experiences that are very real for children.

This time, I want to focus on one of those ideas. Expectations. And more specifically, the expectations adults place on children.

"Unseeing Eyes" (2019), aquarelles and oil pastels

Even before there is a baby in our arms, while they are still developing in a pregnant body, parents already carry expectations, dreams, and hopes about who their child will become once they enter the world. In professional language, this dream is called reverie, and it is a natural and inseparable part of the parental experience. Already at this stage, a certain image and standard begin to form around someone who has not yet been born.

These fantasies can be flexible. They can change and adapt to the child as they grow into a separate individual with their own desires, aspirations, and dreams. But they can also be rigid, accompanied by disappointment toward the child who arrived and turned out to be so different from the dream imagined.

When fantasy does not meet reality, how does this affect the child?

A child who feels rejected by their parents may develop appeasing and compensatory behaviors. This is a child who longs for love and approval, sometimes to the point of self-abandonment.

This may be expressed through choices that do not bring them joy, made only to please their parents, or by becoming the class clown in order to receive social approval, sometimes at the expense of academic achievement or inner self-worth. Such children often struggle to identify their own needs, because in their perception, the needs of others are more important than their own.

On the other hand, a child who feels rejected may develop antagonistic and oppositional behavior. There is a sense of defeat here, a painful recognition that no matter what they do, they will always disappoint. And if that is the case, why try.

The child’s logic is simple. If I reject them first, they cannot reject me. This is a naïve logic that does not take consequences into account, because from the child’s perspective the consequences are always the same. Disappointment, anger, and sometimes even hatred.

Why invest in school if the grade will never be good enough anyway?

Why try to connect if everyone already dislikes me?

Why listen to adults who do not really know or understand me?

Antagonistic behavior may also develop at the expense of personal needs and aspirations, because if something happens to align with what the environment expects, it must be opposed.

Here it's important for me to add a note:

A child diagnosed with ODD or any other behavioral disorder does not necessarily arrive there due to an experience of rejection. The same applies to children who overly appease others. I am describing possible responses to the experience of a gap between expectations and reality, not fixed or definitive pathways. Children respond in many different ways, and there is no single truth carved in stone.

How can we help children?

First and foremost, by loosening our grip on expectations. Easy to say, very difficult to do.

Just as we expect the world to function according to physical laws (water is wet, fire burns), we also hold expectations of children. And that is okay. It is allowed to dream, to hope, and to want a good and fulfilling future for a child.

But it is important to remember that we are speaking about a small and young human being who is still learning about the world and about themselves.

When a child feels they are not disappointing their parents even when they have different interests, they are able to flourish. Perhaps not in the direction you imagined, but the world is wide and full of possibilities.

Maybe the child you dreamed would become a soccer player discovers a natural inclination toward creativity and chooses to become an artist.

Maybe the girl you envisioned as a doctor wants to compete in the Olympics.

As parents, you are allowed to want what is good for your children, and it is also allowed, and important, to recognize their definition of what “good” means to them.

What if the child already feels rejected

Sometimes, despite good intentions and genuine effort, children sense that they do not meet the expectations of their environment. In such cases, open and safe communication becomes a central key.

A child who can identify emotions will better understand why they arise, put words to them, and communicate them. This also requires working on emotional vocabulary, for example through the use of an emotions dictionary.

A child who can say “I am sad because” and share their feelings can lean on you for support.

And even if the child does not yet know how to talk about emotions, we can simply listen.

A child who grumbles can still answer the question “why,” and even the answer “I don’t know” is an answer. Sometimes “I don’t know” means “I don’t understand,” and together we can explore it.

If “why” feels too big, we can break it down:

• What happened?

• What happened before that?

  What happened after?

And from there, you can try to work up to "how do you feel now?". A question that already allows for focus and an opening into emotional dialogue.

I wish it were possible to write a clear guide for emotional conversations with children. But reality is more complex. Every child is a world. We can learn, understand, and rely on recommendations, but there is no single correct response that fits everyone. Therefore, as always, what is written here is an invitation to reflection, not a magic solution.

If you have a personal case you would like to consult about, you are welcome to contact me through the contact page, and I will do my best to help.

Do you have experiences of your own? Insights, mistakes you learned from, or recommendations for new parents?

Share in the comments. Perhaps we will learn something new together 🌱

And greetings from Georgia 😉